Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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