my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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