I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
