so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
