if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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