I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
