Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
