kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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