God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
