Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
