I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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