the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
