there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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