And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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