my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
