I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
