my soul wont recognize me after tonight
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
