my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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