people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize