dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
