living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Randomize
