I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
