i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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