My friends, they love my intelligence
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
