i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
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I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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