the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
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Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.