did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.