I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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