Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
