I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
