I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
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you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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