**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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