Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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