I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize