Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
