I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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