dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
