he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
