it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
