careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
