just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
