when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
