trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
