Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
