Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
