Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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