She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.