Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped