If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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