and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'