He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
