Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
