then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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