i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
