im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
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Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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