Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
