Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Where is the hickey?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
