You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
