So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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