so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
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My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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