Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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