when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
