Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
