She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
