i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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